Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
