Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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