Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My day in three words: secret purse cake
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
