I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
