Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
