Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
