It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
3pm strippers are depressing
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
