I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
