My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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