OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
