Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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