Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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