ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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