I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
