So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
