he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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