How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
