I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
