what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
