Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
