seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this boner is exhausting
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
