Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
