giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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