Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
