I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
