i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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