guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
