That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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