My Higher Power is John Stamos
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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