the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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