We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
