Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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