he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
