I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
