I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
