Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
