Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
