the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just found puke in my bra..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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