i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
