the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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