my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We left the knife in your bed.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
