I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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