Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
