at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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