I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
