well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
