i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
