Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
