No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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