I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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