I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
