didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
